Sometimes I just don’t know what to say.
I mean this from both perspectives: sometimes I don’t know how to offer support without feeling trite, and sometimes I don’t know how to accept offers of support. I’m sure I’m overthinking it, but there it is.
When I started my “lumpdates” on Facebook, chronicling my brief stint with cancer, I received — as one would expect, and for which I am grateful — several versions of “thoughts and prayers.”
People hoped all would go well, sent positive thoughts my way, wished for the best. But by far the most common comment, on and off Facebook, was, “I’m praying for you” — most often in those exact words, though there were a number of variations.
Since I used to be Christian, this is somewhat complicated for me. On the one hand I understand that these friends believe that prayer is effective, that an all-powerful and interested God might, at their request, intervene in the course of my cancer. From within that belief system, there really isn’t much better that a person could do than pray.
I used to believe that myself. But, as I’ve written elsewhere, the first cracks in my faith came from my doubts around prayer. It’s hard for me to view prayer as anything but a type of magic.
It doesn’t help that “thoughts and prayers'” has become a mantra of avoidance, or defeat, in the face of mass shootings. To be sure, that isn’t how my friends use the phrase, but seeing it still raises my hackles.
So what do I say in response? Of course, “Thank you” is my go-to answer. And I am thankful — not for prayer itself, per se, but for people caring enough to express concern and support. (I suppose the one exception was a surprisingly passive-aggressive, “I know you don’t care, but I’m praying for you anyway”…. Haha.)
I’ve been considering what I should say when I want to express support for a friend going through a challenging time. Obviously, “I’m praying for you” is off the table in my case. And, for some reason, that spills over to best wishes, or thoughts, or hopes, or whatever. All these things feel empty when I say them.
I’m not alone on this, either. I have a couple friends who contacted me privately to let me know that they were struggling in precisely that way, struggling to find something meaningful to say. I found that comforting, in its own way. I can’t ask for much more than a tenuous connection in the face of an impersonal universe.
But from this strange experience, I came across two responses that touched me deeply. They’d not be appropriate in every situation, or with every person, but I will definitely add them to my portfolio.
The first came from a distant relative — distant in both relation and geography: “If you need anything, let me know!” I didn’t need much, in fact, so I didn’t ask. But the offer felt genuine and meaningful.
The other: “I love you.”
Photo by George Kedenburg III on Unsplash